Thirtytwo Teeth Crew 940

If you’re like me, and I know you are, you tend to take the doucherati and smarm found on the internet with about as much of a grain of salt as, say, the judge at Lindsay Lohan’s trial.  Cada vez un cuando, I see something out there in the abysmal series of tubes that takes it to the next level.

I stumbled up on this particular column, of which I will soon reveal, while perusing Stevil’s site, as I tend to do around 8:30 am after having been at work for roughly and hour and finding myself with 7 remaining hours with nothing to do.   Its damn tolerable, so I advise you to check it out.   Moreover, he found it on the Car Whisperer’s site.

Well, theone who the Car Whisperer names their “Asshole of the Week” is none other than D. Dowd Muska.  Here’s a photo.  If this grosses you out, go look at Russell Crowe’s asshole for 5 minutes and take a cold shower.  You’ll be fine.  I’m not actually going to post a photo of this guy on my blog.  Its my fucking blog, so you get pictures of cool stuff, like this:

 

Anywhoo, so now’s the time where you should read the column, so I can proceed to say how much it sucks and you’ll know what I’m talking about.  Ok….go.

Now, for starters, riding bikes on busy streets is retarded.  I don’t commute to work (by bike) because it defeats the purpose of going to work in the first place.  I go to work, to make money, to feed my family.  I have life insurance, but I like to think that, in general, I’m more valuable to them alive.

All of that having irregardleslly been said, people who do commute to work by bike, and don’t have mouths to feed, are awesome.  The fact that we, as a society, are becoming more bike friendly is awesome.

Muska goes one to quote sources so to indicate that cyclists are rude and arrogant.  I really can’t argue with this.  Direct your attention to the 32T slogan located at the top of your browser.  Thanks.

I should probably wrap this up before I alienate all my meat-eating hippie friends.

Here’s to a weekend of our kids paying bills, driving cars and changing our diapers, so we adults have time to ride our bikes.

They’s dry dirt out in they stompin’ grounds.  Put some rubber on it.  And for those of you scoring at home, 2 wheels good; four wheels bad.  …as long as they’re on dirt.

xoxo,

Johnny

Tags: All Hail the Black Market, Car Whisperer, D. Dowd Muska, Lindsay Lohan, Muska, Stevil

1. Buy Stan’s spoke tape.

-Install per Stan’s instructions specific to your wheel.
-If you’re like me, and $5 for spoke tape seems expensive, you can buy 1″ Gorilla Tape for $4.97 + tax*.

2. Get some valve stems.      

-Or just cut one out of an old tube! (Removable core is preferable, but not crucial.)

3. Buy a quart of Stan’s Sealant.

4. Install tyre, soapy it up like Stan says on his videos**, inflate.

5. Remove, add Sealant, re-soapy, re-inflate.

6. Ride.

 

*Just get the Stan’s tape.
**Follow the video for the specifics.

Tags: notubes.com, rimstrips, Stan's, toobless, tubeless

From Drunk Cyclist.

xoxo,

Johnny

Tags: atlanta, drunk cyclist, mtb

I can’t believe this craigslist post is still up since May.  In the horrible off-chance that its removed, I will post it for your viewing pleasure:

A few things from the bike shop.

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Date: 2009-05-27, 4:05PM PDT

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Whoo-hoo Seattle, the sun is out! Let’s discuss a few things before you fumble with swapping the unused ski rack for the unused bike rack on the Subaru.

So yes, you’ve noticed the sun is out, and hey!- maybe it would be cool to to some bike riding. Let’s keep in mind that the sun came out of all 600,000 of us, so for the most part, you’re not the only one who noticed. Please remember that when you walk into my shop on a bright, sunny Saturday morning. It will save you from looking like a complete twat that huffs “Why are there so many people here?”

Are we all on the same page now about it being sunny outside? Have we all figured out that we’re not the only clever people that feel sunny days are good for bike riding? Great. I want to kiss all of you on your forehead for sharing this moment with me. Put your vitamin D starved fingers in mine, and we’ll move on together to some pointers that will make life easier.

SOME POINTERS FOR THE PHONE:

- I don’t know what size of bike you need. The only thing that I can tell over the phone is that you sound fat. I don’t care how tall you are. I don’t care how long your inseam is. Don’t complain to me that you don’t want to come ALL THE WAY down to the bike shop to get fitted for a bike. I have two hundred bikes in my inventory. I will find one that fits you. Whether you come from the north or the south, my shop is downhill. Pretend you’re going to smell a fart, ball up, and roll your fat ass down here.

- Don’t get high and call me. Write it down, call me later. When I have four phone lines ringing, and a herdlet

of people waiting for help, I can’t deal with you sitting there “uuuuhhh”-ing and “uuummm”-ing while your brain tries to put together some cheeto-xbox-fixie conundrum. We didn’t get disconnected, I left you on hold to figure your shit out.

-I really do need to see your bike to know what is wrong with it. You’ve already figured out that when you car makes a noise, the mechanic needs to see it. When your TV goes blank, a technician needs to see it. I can tell you, if there is one thing I’ve learned from you fucking squirrels, it’s that “doesn’t shift right” means your bike could need a slight cable adjustment, or you might just need to stop backing into it with the Subaru. Bring it in, I’ll let you know for sure.

- No, I don’t know how much a good bike costs. For some, spending $500 dollars is a kingly sum. For others, $500 won’t buy you one good wheel. You really need to have an idea of what you want, because every one of you raccoons “doesn’t want to spend too much”.

FOR YOU INVENTIVE TYPES AND DO-IT-YOURSELFERS:

- Just because you think is should exist, doesn’t mean that it does. I know that to you, a 14 inch quill stem makes perfect sense, but what makes more sense is buying a bike that fits you, not trying to make your mountain bike that was too small for you to begin with into a comfort bike.

- If some twat on some message board somewhere says that you can use the lockring from your bottom bracket as a lockring for a fixie conversion doesn’t mean that A: you can, or B: you should. Please listen to me on this stuff, I really do have your best interests at heart.

- I love that you have the enthusiasm to build yourself a recumbent in the off season. That does not mean however, that I share your enthusiasm; ergo I won’t do the “final tweaks” for you. You figure out why that Sram shifter and that Shimano rear derailleur don’t work together. While we’re at it, you recumbent people scare me a little. Don’t bring that lumbering fucking thing anywhere near me.

A DEDICATION TO ALL THE HIPSTER DUCHEBAGS:

-If you shitheads had any money, you wouldn’t NEED a vintage Poo-zhow to get laid. Go have an ironic mustache growing contest in front of American Apparel, so that I can continue selling $300 bikes to fatties, which is what keeps the lights on.

- Being made in the 80′s may make something cool, but that doesn’t automatically make something good. The reason that no one has ridden that “vintage” Murray is because it’s shit. It was shit in the 80′s, a trend it carried proudly through the 90′s, and rallied with into the ’00′s. What I mean to say is, no, I can’t make it work better. It’s still shit, even with more air in the tires.

SO YOU’RE GONNA BUY A BIKE:

Good for you! Biking is awesome. It’s easy, it’s fun, it’s good for you. I want you to bike, I really do. To that end, I am here to help you.

-Your co-worker that’s “really into biking” knows fuck all. Stop asking for his advice. He could care less about you having the right bike. He wants to validate his bike purchase(s) through you. He also wants to sleep with you, and wear matching bike shorts with you.

- You’re not a triathlete. You’re not. If you were, you wouldn’t be here, and we both know it.

- You’re not a racer. If you were, I’d know you already, and you wouldn’t be here, and we both know it.

- So you want a bike that you can ride to work, goes really fast, is good for that triathlon you’re doing this summer (snicker), is good on trails and mud, and costs less than $300. Yeah. Listen, I want a car that can go 200 miles an hour, tow a boat, has room for five adults, is easy to parallel park but can carry plywood, gets 60mpg, and only costs $3,000. I also want a unicorn to blow me. What are we even talking about here? Oh yeah. Listen, bikes can be fast, light, cheap and comfortable. Pick two, and we’re all good.

ABOUT YOUR KIDS:

Your kids are amazing. Sure are. No one else has kids as smart, able, funny or as good looking as you. Nope. Never see THAT around here.

- I have no idea how long you kid will be able to use this bike. As it seems to me, your precious is a little retarded, and can’t even use the damn thing now. More likely, your budding genius is going to leave the bike in the driveway where you will Subaru the bike to death LONG before the nose picker outgrows the bike.

- Stop being so jumpy. I am not a molester. You people REALLY watch too much TV. When I hold the back of the bike while your kid is on it, it’s not because I get a thrill from *almost* having my hand on kid butt, it’s because kids are unpredictable, and generally take off whenever possible, usually not in the direction you think they might go. Listen, if I were going to do anything bad to your kids, I’d feed them to sharks, because sharks are FUCKING AWESOME.

I hope this helps, and have fun this summer riding your kick-ass bike!

Location: Seattle

it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

Um, he pretty much had me at unicorn blowjobs.

xoxo,

Johnny

Tags: craigslist, seattle